Saturday, September 15, 2007

Bear with me as I delve into some negativity. I have been battling with some anger issues over what happened during Elijah’s birth and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I find myself thinking about it every day and I tend to dwell on it and get angry. I’ve questioned if I should even write about this in my journal, but I thought that it might help me release it. I’m sure everyone can relate to getting angry about something that doesn’t go as planned. And my birth story definitely didn’t go as planned…
I wanted so badly to have a natural non-medicated birth and I was determined to do it. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing about my labor was natural and I can’t think of any other way to describe it other than horrible. I endured several hours of a pitocin induced labor, which made the contractions come hard and fast. I held out for as long as I could (about 20 hours of hard labor) when I decided I couldn’t handle it anymore and got an epidural. Eventually I got to push and I was so excited. The ordeal was almost over and I was going to meet my child (we didn’t know what we were having). I pushed for an hour and a half, but Elijah was coming out at the wrong angle and I ended up having a c-section.
To me, it’s insane that every single thing I didn’t want to happen did happen. I didn’t want to be induced, use an epidural, have a c-section, and most of all I didn’t want my child to be hurt. And, I’m so angry that he had to go through that. I’m angry that I trusted the woman who “tried” to deliver my baby because she obviously didn’t know what she was doing (and that’s the nicest thing I can say about her). I’m furious that I didn’t get to hold (let alone see!) Elijah the night he was born and wasn’t able to hold him until three days later. That still makes my heart ache and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it completely. Whenever I think of the night Elijah was born, I want to cry and not for the right reasons. I have a lot of healing to do, physically and emotionally. My body has been through a lot and I’m not yet completely healed. I suspect that soon I will be back to normal. I will have scars, but I will get better. It might take the scars in my heart longer to heal.
I know that anger doesn’t hurt anyone other than me and I need to forgive. I’ll never forget what happened and I think that the mama bear side of me will always be a little angry over what happened to my son. I know my festering wound of anger will eventually become a scar. It’ll still be there as a reminder, but it won’t hurt anymore.
I look at my boy and I know that what happened made all of us stronger and that I need to dwell on those things that are good, true, and pure (Phil 4:8). He is such a joy and I love him more than words can express. He’ll be all right and I know I will be too. Please pray for me to release my anger and to forgive the person who was so complacent in my birth. And of course, continue your prayers for Elijah’s complete recovery.


Murzelmom said...

I can rlate to that because our birth story was quite similar.
It happened a year later, though, and our daughter got to be a "typical" child.
Nontheless my feelings about her birth are the same as are yours in this post.
This still does help me, even after nearly four years have passed.
Thanks for writing this down for us to read!!!
God bless you, and I like your big boy ;-)

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