Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I’m so tired of worrying. Most days I wake up and feel just like any other parent – with all of the normal worries that parenting entails. It feels like Elijah’s first three weeks were just a horrible nightmare and we woke up to a warm and cozy home with a beautiful baby boy. It feels like God took the eraser on the dry erase board and wiped it all away. That’s how I feel most of the time.
And then sometimes I’m reminded that we’re not in the clear yet and I keep worrying. I’ll get a pang in my side and remember that I’m still recovering from my surgery. Elijah will do something that I think might not be “normal” and I start my cycle of worry again. I just don’t want to worry anymore.
As you know, we went to the doctor this morning. Elijah is doing well and he now weighs…drum roll please…15 lbs. 13 oz. Andy had weighed Elijah this week on our scale and we were way off – we were telling people at church that he weighs 17 lbs. Whoops! He’s still growing at a great rate and is really healthy. He’s in the 90-95 weight percentile for his age.
So, why then am I worrying? - Elijah’s head circumference isn’t growing; in fact it seemed to have shrunk since our last visit. Typically heads don’t shrink and we can’t remember if they measured his head differently at our last visit –which might make the number a bit inaccurate. Nevertheless, his head doesn’t seem to be increasing in size like it should be. This means that his brain might not be growing as it should and that means all sorts of things in terms of his development. His head size is in the 5-10 percentile, which kind of freaks me out.
I remind myself that Elijah is doing really well and is meeting all of his developmental milestones, which is the important thing. I can’t help, though, to picture my son walking around with a large body and a small head and what a horrible image that is. Right now, I have to remember once again to watch my son and not look at numbers. So far, the numbers haven’t done me any good. The numbers said he wouldn’t be doing any of the things he’s doing now. He doesn’t look unusual to me at all. He looks like a perfectly healthy 11 week old and I remind myself that God is looking out for us.
I would love to be able to make Elijah grow on my own, but I simply can’t. That’s what’s so hard – we want to fix things, but we simply can’t. It’s another reminder to put things into God’s hands and go from there. We must focus on the positive and ask God for help. Please pray for Elijah’s brain to grow and develop. We’ll stop worrying about it and watch our little boy grow and amaze us.


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