The Moments Before

Nine years ago I waited for the moment that would change my life forever.

My hair was twisted onto the top of my head and I was wearing the most beautiful dress I had ever owned. I paced around the basement of the historic theater waiting and ready. It was only minutes until I would walk down the aisle and I couldn't wait.

Moments before walking down the aisle...

In those moments I thought about how sure I was about marrying Andy, how I didn't have even one doubt about marrying him. My feet definitely weren't cold. My nervousness was more in the details: Did I look okay? Did I forget anything? Was my planning sufficient? Would the day go the way we wanted it to? But Andy?...I was sure about him and spending our life together.

Mr. and Mrs!

I thought about how happy I was and what an awesome feeling it was to be getting married. And I pondered what our life would hold. I remember thinking about how we would definitely come upon hard times - as everyone does in life, but that we'd get through it together. Pondering the future, thoughts of job troubles or issues with our health crossed my mind. Never did I consider that something would happen to one of our children.

Nine years later, remembering those thoughts in the last moments of my single life, I'm filled with joy and sadness. We didn't know what our future held and it's different than I'd imagined. Harder, yes, but also more wonderful too.

The last nine years with Andy by my side have been amazing. When I think back to our wedding, I smile. It will always be one of my favorite days ever. We had so much fun!

And when I think ahead, I smile. There is so much of our story yet to be written. So many fun times still ahead.

Us on the Fourth of July

Happy anniversary to my Andy. You are the best husband to me and father to our boys. I am one blessed gal to be your Mrs.

It's fun to look back, but looking ahead is even better.

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My Winter Coat

I love this time of year.  The trees and plants are all working hard to give us the glorious green splendor that is summer.  Every day, Elijah asks (without words) to go outside and I comply.  We run and swing and play in the sandbox.  It's wonderful.

And yet, I feel like I'm still wearing my winter coat. I feel heavy, weighed down by this life.  My vision is clouded; it's hard to see the positive sometimes.

My head and my heart are trying to get on the same page.  In my head I know Elijah has major delays, but it's hard to get my heart to believe it.  I'm in a constant struggle inside myself...to stay positive and rejoice over every single milestone... and at the same time trying to accept our reality for what it is.  It's a reality that isn't what I had quite hoped it would be.

I feel so burdened and that feels heavy.  Don't get me wrong - it is not a burden to be Elijah's mom.  That is a blessing.  Trying to figure out how to teach and reach this little boy; that is hard.  It's not sunshine and roses.  It feels like winter.  And it feels that way because I believe in our son.  I believe that he is capable of learning, of doing, of becoming.  And, while that's a wonderful thought, the magnitude of trying to reach him with all of the things he has working against him is definitely heavy.  So, while you might not see me wearing my winter coat anymore, I'm still wearing it.  My heart is sporting a parka.

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