And yet, I feel like I'm still wearing my winter coat. I feel heavy, weighed down by this life. My vision is clouded; it's hard to see the positive sometimes.
My head and my heart are trying to get on the same page. In my head I know Elijah has major delays, but it's hard to get my heart to believe it. I'm in a constant struggle inside myself...to stay positive and rejoice over every single milestone... and at the same time trying to accept our reality for what it is. It's a reality that isn't what I had quite hoped it would be.
I feel so burdened and that feels heavy. Don't get me wrong - it is not a burden to be Elijah's mom. That is a blessing. Trying to figure out how to teach and reach this little boy; that is hard. It's not sunshine and roses. It feels like winter. And it feels that way because I believe in our son. I believe that he is capable of learning, of doing, of becoming. And, while that's a wonderful thought, the magnitude of trying to reach him with all of the things he has working against him is definitely heavy. So, while you might not see me wearing my winter coat anymore, I'm still wearing it. My heart is sporting a parka.