Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Winter Coat

I love this time of year.  The trees and plants are all working hard to give us the glorious green splendor that is summer.  Every day, Elijah asks (without words) to go outside and I comply.  We run and swing and play in the sandbox.  It's wonderful.

And yet, I feel like I'm still wearing my winter coat. I feel heavy, weighed down by this life.  My vision is clouded; it's hard to see the positive sometimes.

My head and my heart are trying to get on the same page.  In my head I know Elijah has major delays, but it's hard to get my heart to believe it.  I'm in a constant struggle inside myself...to stay positive and rejoice over every single milestone... and at the same time trying to accept our reality for what it is.  It's a reality that isn't what I had quite hoped it would be.

I feel so burdened and that feels heavy.  Don't get me wrong - it is not a burden to be Elijah's mom.  That is a blessing.  Trying to figure out how to teach and reach this little boy; that is hard.  It's not sunshine and roses.  It feels like winter.  And it feels that way because I believe in our son.  I believe that he is capable of learning, of doing, of becoming.  And, while that's a wonderful thought, the magnitude of trying to reach him with all of the things he has working against him is definitely heavy.  So, while you might not see me wearing my winter coat anymore, I'm still wearing it.  My heart is sporting a parka.

10 comments:

Mo said...

I get you. Something is always in the back of your mind, hard to shake it. Right now for me it's the language challenges that Oia has. She will be 3 in August and communicates verbally somewhere around a 12 month old. Now she is getting frustrated and has no way to show it with words which makes it even harder. But, we'll hang in there...

Kristine said...

I hear you. I feel the same way and have since my little girl got sick. Everyday I wonder what the future holds and still can't believe that all of this happened to my little girl. It still feels like a dream at some points.

Susan said...

I also go back and forth and struggle with what Eric gets/doesn't get.. I mean how can he not understand the world like every other 18 month old when I see it in his eyes? I see him pushing his cars around, up and down things, under and around and trying to understand the world. Yet all those EI reports have 'significant' delays all over them. performing like a 5 month old when he was 12 months old, gross motor skills 40% behind, speech like an infant, grrr! I hope that I'm not the only one that sees him really 'see' things. I want so bad for him to stay on par cognitively. and the language just isn't forming yet. grrr!

Susan said...

I also wanted to say.. keep writing! your blog helps me so much!

Candace said...

I don't think that there is ever a resolution to that back and forth feeling. It does lessen over time, I promise! Also there is no way for you to teach him everything he "should" know or do. Remember that. Think about kids in school...teacher choose cirriculum and methods but it does not reach every child. Some take longer to learn, some quicker, some need a different method. He will get what he needs...it may take longer and it may be different but it will play out, promise! HUGS>>>>>>

sugar magnolia said...

What a beautiful post. I think that any mom with a kid who has challenges can relate. It's hard to reconcile your head with your heart. You see one thing, hear one thing, and believe something else. You HAVE to believe, else you'll give up...and Elijah is way to special to give up on. There is a payoff at the end...there just has to be. We all believe that about our kids. I hope that soon your winter coat gets lighter, and that it will feel more like a windbreaker.

Kathy Lausted said...

Leetza.....And may I say, it is a mighty fine parka? It has wonderful pockets to hold all your ideas for helping Elijah. And pockets to put away those doubts and fears on those cloudy days. Sometimes I wish I was a little person so you could put me in one of your pockets so I could be there with you - to help and encourage. I love you, Mumsie

Dad said...

Lisa.
I was thinking if you always lived in Hawai, you never would have met all the mothers (sisterhood), fathers, grandparents, friends who live in Antarcatia.

It is a road you would not have asked for you and Andy and Elijah, but it is the road you are on.
It would be nice to enjoy the changing of coats in Minnesota.

I am encouraged by the comments you have gotten on this post and hope you are as well.

Sometimes I wish we could all go back and you could be my little girl again and we could all just start over. My heart is often heavy not just for Elijah, but his parents, as well.

Thanks Lisa for being all that you are.
Love Dad

Miss Burb said...

I've been feeling the same way, lately. When Noah was first born, I pretty much grieved for LJ all over again. but I'm starting to feel better.

I hope you do too. it makes use stronger. they make us stronger.

Lisa said...

Thanks for the kind words everyone. :)

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