The Impostor

The scene: This morning at a Caribou Coffee drive-thru...

As I pulled up to the window, the cashier - an older grandfatherly gentleman - started to make small-talk.

"How are you enjoying this spring weather?" he said, joking about the temps in the teens.

We talked bout how it feels warm today, compared to the negatives we have been experiencing. We laughed about how it's all relative. I complained about having to bundle up my two boys in the cold.

"Oh, how old are they?" he asked.

"I have a six-year-old and a one and a half year old," I told him and he went to retrieve my coffee.

"Oh, so you did it like I did," he said, handing me my warm cup. "My kids are about five years apart."

And then he added, "Less squabbling that way."

And I smiled and nodded and said, "yep" and drove away.

Except, I have no idea what he's talking about. Yes, my kids are almost five years apart, but they aren't really five years apart. They're apart in years, but they're close in development. They're twins and they're a million years apart at the same time. It's complicated.

Yes, Elijah is the big brother, but in some ways he's the little brother. There are things that Oliver started to do at a few months old that Elijah still can't do. And yet, Elijah IS the big brother in every sense of the word - bigger in size and in maturity. He gets annoyed at his little brother as any big brother does.

There isn't less squabbling. There is a lot of pushing and hitting - mostly from Elijah to his little brother. Much of my time with our boys is spent trying to keep them safe from each other. There is a lot of squabbling.

So, sometimes I feel like an impostor. It isn't written on my forehead that I have a child with special needs. People don't automatically know that my parenting life is a little different. My cashier didn't know that I didn't necessarily want to wait five years before having our second child. And, really, it doesn't matter.  But, sometimes in situations like a drive-thru where I don't have the time or the energy to explain my situation, I can feel a little bit like an impostor.

I'm not an impostor, though. I'm just me. A wife to Andy and a mom to two incredible boys.

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