Monday, December 30, 2013

I Love Him So Much It Hurts

One of the hardest parts of being Elijah's mom (or dad) is this: Not knowing what is going on in his head - especially when he's sad and we don't know why. I wrote the following a couple of weeks ago, but never finished it. I thought I'd share it now as it still applies to me and I thought maybe another mom (or dad) might relate.

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We're driving home from school and Elijah starts sobbing. I have no idea why. I have no way to get the information from him, no way to crawl inside of his brain to scoop out the information that I want to know - that I so desperately need to know. And even worse is the knowledge of this simple fact: In spite of years of therapy, Elijah's communication skills are still quite limited and he has no way to let me know what he's thinking.

Elijah sobs and we get home and he cries some more. I bring the boys inside and I help Elijah get off his boots and hat and mittens. I help Oliver too. Our winter clothes sit laying in piles as I try to contain my two boys who both need me so much. Elijah is still crying and pulling at my hand while Oliver repeats his "mom-mom" refrain while pulling on my leg.

All I want to do is take off my stupid boots.

I turn on Elijah's music and that satisfies him some, but he's still not happy and I don't know why. I'm not happy either.

It's not long before I'm sobbing too; the heartbreak is just too much. I can't handle his sadness, his tears. The possible reasons for his unhappiness scroll through my mind like rolling credits...did something bad happen at school? Does he hate coming home? Does he want a different song? Is his brother bothering him? Is he not feeling well? Does he want to watch TV? The pressure weighs down on me, squeezing my heart in a vise. I love him so much it hurts.

3 comments:

lifesbetterthemilkyway said...

Oh, this brings tears to my eyes. It is SO hard when they can't just tell you what is going on. The screaming and whining is tough, but the sobbing tears is gut-wrenching and the absolute worst. Big hugs to you, mama!

kit freeman said...

It has to be heartbreaking for you, so wish Elijah could let you know what he is feeling. Hang in there Lisa, you and Andy are the best possible parents he could have.

Kathy Lausted said...

Ah, dear little Elijah. It IS heart wrenching not knowing. You deal with it on a day-to-day basis Lisa. It's a constant for you. And Andy. Then it affects Oliver too. It would be nice to have a little camera following him around so you would know how to deal with things since he can't communicate with you. It breaks my heart too. You can only do the best that you can and that is a lot!! Love, Mumsie

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