Tuesday, June 5, 2012

We Missed This

Little chunk already weighs over 11 lbs.
As we've been enjoying getting to know our second-born, one thought keeps running through my mind:

We missed this. 

Oliver is three weeks old today. 21 days. A blink in time and a lifetime, it seems.

When Elijah was this exact age, we were finally able to take him home from the hospital. These first weeks of Oliver's life have been filled with thoughts on what we were doing with Elijah at the very same age...

At three days old we hadn't held Elijah yet. We missed this snuggle time.
Elijah was still on a ventilator at seven days. We missed the sound of sweet baby breaths.
It took two weeks for Eli's voice to fill our ears. We missed these cries.
Elijah wasn't home with us yet. We missed this time together.

I didn't truly know what we had missed until now... we've gotten to experience what it's like to have a newborn at home within days, I now know what it's like to see our child at birth, to hold and nurse our baby as soon as possible, and to have a positive birth experience. These are things we missed with Elijah. And, yes, I grieve for him all over again.

More than grief, though, is an overriding joy. I have looked at our newborn mesmerized by his sweetness and cried tears of joy. We are so blessed. Blessed to have Oliver home with us. Blessed that Elijah is alive and well. What has often been the case since Elijah's difficult birth is this - we don't, we can't - take things for granted. I've appreciated these experiences with Oliver so much more than I would have had we not gone through Elijah's first weeks. That in of itself is a blessing. There is pain in the memories as I grieve our first-born's lost weeks, but more than anything there is a joy in the here and now.

Often times joy and grief are so intertwined that you can't see one without the other.

As our hearts heal, we appreciate that we are not missing this life we have now. It's a life filled with lots of kisses for two boys that we love intensely and deeply. Looking back at what we've lost just makes us more determined to not miss a second of this amazing life. 
Not missing a single moment


Anonymous said...

What a beautiful little chunk! He really enjoys life, doesn't he? Love, GrammaKat

Jennifer Thayer said...

Oh, Lisa! I know exactly where you are coming from. I fell so deeply in love with my sleepy, quiet, calm Gunnar baby. I felt such guilt about frequently stepping away from Roa baby who cried, and cried, and cried... Roa missed that snuggle time too.
Hugs, new mommy. Soak up every drop of snuggle!

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