This Week

I'm having a baby this week.

A planned c-section is kind of like an eviction date. We're kicking you out, little buckeroo. 

Now, I'm a glass half full kind of gal, but let's face it... I have a complicated relationship with birth. Having your firstborn almost die and watching him live with the lifelong consequences of a birth gone wrong is tough. I don't hear the word "birth" and think sunshine and roses. I wish that I did. But, for someone like me (or Andy), I don't think that will ever be possible. I can rejoice in the beauty of a child's entry into this world, but I'll never be able to see birth the same as I did eight years ago. I can't, not after what we've been through. Our naivety is gone.

And it's okay. My births look different than I once thought they would. This week I'm giving birth for the third time via surgery and it's going to be beautiful.

That doesn't mean I don't have some residual fears and anxiety. I try so hard not to remember Elijah's birth, but facing another birth soon brings back old scars and wounds. The trauma of a difficult birth will never fully leave us, but having had a positive, happy birth with Oliver helps tremendously. I know what a happy birthing experience should be like and that softens hard memories.

And so, I try to push out the past as I focus on our amazing future ahead of us. Soon we will be parents to three little boys. God is so, so good. I know He's looking out for us.

Prayers for an uneventful birth, fast recovery, and health for our newest little boy would be greatly appreciated. He'll be here early Friday morning. I'll keep you all posted.

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