A Little...

Elijah is going to be a big brother!
Oh wait, you already knew that (cheeky, aren't I?)

Elijah's little sibling seems to be super healthy. Growth seems to be right on track and everything looks as they would expect it to look (sigh of relief).

How much longer can I delay the information you are waiting for?

Elijah is going to have a little si.....
sibling! (you thought I was going to say sister didn't you?)


Okay, okay.

Elijah is going to have a little brother!

Yes, I'm going to be outnumbered with boys.

As the ultrasound technician announced the gender, I started to cry.

"Are those tears of joy?" she asked.

"Yes, they are," I replied with a smile and a nod. "I think Elijah is going to love having a little brother. I can't wait."

Images of our sons playing together danced through my head and the joy engulfed me.
Another son. A son. A boy. Our boys.

I couldn't be happier.

I am so, so blessed. I know it now more than I ever have.

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Finding Out

Yesterday marked the halfway point of my pregnancy. Today we have our 20-week ultrasound.

I'd be lying if I said that the only feeling I'm having is excitement. I'm also anxious and a little scared.

I know too much now.

I know that an ultrasound is sometimes more than finding out whether your baby will be wearing pink or blue. Sometimes an ultrasound means discovering a life-altering diagnosis.

I knew this, of course, when I was pregnant with Elijah. But, I didn't really know it. I was one of those annoying pregnant women who thought nothing bad could happen to me. And then bad things did happen to me and now I know. I know that things happen, they can happen to anyone, and that anyone could be me.

Last time Andy and I decided we didn't want to know the gender of our baby ahead of time. We'd heard way too many stories about the ultrasound tech getting it wrong, of couples bringing a boy home to a pink room - or vice versa. We liked the idea of the ultimate surprise. And, really, we didn't care either way if it was a boy or a girl.  We just wanted the baby to be healthy we'd say. Words that somehow sting now, even though they still wring true. Health is such a blessing.

We were met with two reactions when we'd tell people we weren't finding out whether Elijah-to-be was a boy or a girl. I'd hear either, "That's so great that you're not finding out. That's how it should be." Or, "Why in the world would you wait? I want to know what you're having!" Apparently peeking at the gender is a topic with many opinions.

The moment they announced, "It's a boy" will forever remain my favorite moment of Elijah's birth, a birth that was nothing like it should have been. That moment was literally the only moment of joy in a scary situation.

But this time? This time I want to know ahead of time. There is an inherent need in me for things to be drastically different. I don't want the announcement of my child's gender to be the most exciting moment of his or her birth. I'd like it to be the moment I hold him or her or the moment my eyes first see this child. I just want things to be different. Happy different.

I have no reason to believe that my ultrasound today will be anything other than a joyful experience of seeing our child and finding out a tidbit about who they will be. My pregnancy with Elijah was textbook and this one seems to be following suit.

I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to get a glimpse of this little one who has been making popcorn in my belly in the mornings and evenings. I'm already madly in love - boy or girl, diagnosis or no diagnosis.

Baby of mine, I love you.

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