I'd be lying if I said that the only feeling I'm having is excitement. I'm also anxious and a little scared.
I know too much now.
I know that an ultrasound is sometimes more than finding out whether your baby will be wearing pink or blue. Sometimes an ultrasound means discovering a life-altering diagnosis.
I knew this, of course, when I was pregnant with Elijah. But, I didn't really know it. I was one of those annoying pregnant women who thought nothing bad could happen to me. And then bad things did happen to me and now I know. I know that things happen, they can happen to anyone, and that anyone could be me.
Last time Andy and I decided we didn't want to know the gender of our baby ahead of time. We'd heard way too many stories about the ultrasound tech getting it wrong, of couples bringing a boy home to a pink room - or vice versa. We liked the idea of the ultimate surprise. And, really, we didn't care either way if it was a boy or a girl. We just wanted the baby to be healthy we'd say. Words that somehow sting now, even though they still wring true. Health is such a blessing.
We were met with two reactions when we'd tell people we weren't finding out whether Elijah-to-be was a boy or a girl. I'd hear either, "That's so great that you're not finding out. That's how it should be." Or, "Why in the world would you wait? I want to know what you're having!" Apparently peeking at the gender is a topic with many opinions.
The moment they announced, "It's a boy" will forever remain my favorite moment of Elijah's birth, a birth that was nothing like it should have been. That moment was literally the only moment of joy in a scary situation.
But this time? This time I want to know ahead of time. There is an inherent need in me for things to be drastically different. I don't want the announcement of my child's gender to be the most exciting moment of his or her birth. I'd like it to be the moment I hold him or her or the moment my eyes first see this child. I just want things to be different. Happy different.
I have no reason to believe that my ultrasound today will be anything other than a joyful experience of seeing our child and finding out a tidbit about who they will be. My pregnancy with Elijah was textbook and this one seems to be following suit.
I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to get a glimpse of this little one who has been making popcorn in my belly in the mornings and evenings. I'm already madly in love - boy or girl, diagnosis or no diagnosis.
Baby of mine, I love you.
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4 comments:
Hang in there Lisa! I am so happy for you. I wish you much love.
Elijah will always be our firstborn grandchild. He holds a special place in our hearts. But so do our other grandchildren. As you do, dear Lisa and your brothers and your mates. All bring joy, challenges and a new dimension into our lives. What more can a person want? Life is uncertain. Some of us find that out early in life, others later. One thing I will tell you is that God is always with you and will help you through the challenges. And I love you, Mumsie
I read your post earlier today but was unable to comment (as you'll soon find out with 2 kids!). You've been on my mind ever since. As you may know, pregnancy #2 was an emotional one for us. Our 22 wk ultrasound brought really bad news, panic and not enough answers. Thankfully, each month of the pregnancy therefter did get better. I can imagine that our feelings pre 22 wk ultrasound (in your case 20 wks) are parallel. I too knew very different having the experiences from our firstborn. Didn't know pink or blue until Oia was born but felt the need to know pink or blue before the arrival of second baby, same as you. Reading your post made me relive the last 14 months all over again. Not really sure what I'm trying to say here but I'm in your corner. I've just been where you are now. And you will continue to be in my thoughts as this precious, loved little baby continues to grow just as he or she should be... as God has planned.
Anxious for an update... sending love your way.
Unless you have a child who has needs (like you do, like I do) it's impossible to really appreciate the phrase "I just want it to be healthy". Understatement of the year. Hope it went well today!
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