I'd be lying if I said that the only feeling I'm having is excitement. I'm also anxious and a little scared.
I know too much now.
I know that an ultrasound is sometimes more than finding out whether your baby will be wearing pink or blue. Sometimes an ultrasound means discovering a life-altering diagnosis.
I knew this, of course, when I was pregnant with Elijah. But, I didn't really know it. I was one of those annoying pregnant women who thought nothing bad could happen to me. And then bad things did happen to me and now I know. I know that things happen, they can happen to anyone, and that anyone could be me.
Last time Andy and I decided we didn't want to know the gender of our baby ahead of time. We'd heard way too many stories about the ultrasound tech getting it wrong, of couples bringing a boy home to a pink room - or vice versa. We liked the idea of the ultimate surprise. And, really, we didn't care either way if it was a boy or a girl. We just wanted the baby to be healthy we'd say. Words that somehow sting now, even though they still wring true. Health is such a blessing.
We were met with two reactions when we'd tell people we weren't finding out whether Elijah-to-be was a boy or a girl. I'd hear either, "That's so great that you're not finding out. That's how it should be." Or, "Why in the world would you wait? I want to know what you're having!" Apparently peeking at the gender is a topic with many opinions.
The moment they announced, "It's a boy" will forever remain my favorite moment of Elijah's birth, a birth that was nothing like it should have been. That moment was literally the only moment of joy in a scary situation.
But this time? This time I want to know ahead of time. There is an inherent need in me for things to be drastically different. I don't want the announcement of my child's gender to be the most exciting moment of his or her birth. I'd like it to be the moment I hold him or her or the moment my eyes first see this child. I just want things to be different. Happy different.
I have no reason to believe that my ultrasound today will be anything other than a joyful experience of seeing our child and finding out a tidbit about who they will be. My pregnancy with Elijah was textbook and this one seems to be following suit.
I am a little nervous, but mostly excited to get a glimpse of this little one who has been making popcorn in my belly in the mornings and evenings. I'm already madly in love - boy or girl, diagnosis or no diagnosis.
Baby of mine, I love you.